Kindness - to yourself
In August I gave a talk for Upaya Zen Center on “She Who Hears the Cries of the World”, Kuan Yin, the bodhisattva of compassion. As I prepared for the talk, it was really wonderful to immerse myself in the images and stories of Kuan Yin, some of them very personal. I talked about how Kuan Yin is not someone or something “out there” - in a statue or in the sky - but in our own hearts or in the the actions of others, if we look closely, and that we can all be the hands and eyes of compassion for this hurting world. Afterward, though, I thought about how I had left out something very important, perhaps the most difficult practice of all, to offer compassion and kindness to ourselves.
There’s a story I’ve heard several times, from people who were there, about a meeting between the Dalai Lama and Western teachers, decades ago. The Western teachers were trying to explain to the Dalai Lama how hard it is for us to feel compassion for ourselves, to offer love or kindness to ourselves, and the Dalai Lama was struggling to understand this problem. He was even more confused when the teachers mentioned the tendency toward self-hatred in their students. “Self hatred?” the Dalai Lama repeated, puzzled. He conferred with his translator, who shrugged. Finally, after much back and forth, the Dalai Lama understood what the teachers were saying, and he was flabbergasted.
He explained that it is as natural as breathing to feel love for oneself. In fact, traditional loving-kindness meditation practice starts with oneself, because that is the being we can most easily feel loving-kindness toward. This wasn’t true for Westerners?, the Dalai Lama asked. No, the teachers responded, not at all, in fact, people cringe at the idea of self-love, and feel that it’s bad, a sign of egotism. And the Dalai Lama was overcome for sadness for us.
Whatever the reason self-hatred, or lack of self-compassion, has become part of our inner landscape, I believe it subtly cripples us. In Zen the first of the four bodhisattva vows goes something like, depending on the translation, “Beings are numberless, I vow to save them.” But how can we make such a vow when the being we are closest to - this being right here - is not included? And what happens when we give and give to others, but hold back kindness to ourselves? I know what happens. We begin to shrivel, to dry up inside, to burn out, to become cynical and deeply exhausted. Why do I know this? Because I have done it myself.
So what is the antidote? Well, just as the most powerful way of working with the Inner Judge is to be aware of it, I think awareness is also part of the antidote here, and to realize that this holding ourselves separate from the world and unworthy of our own love is culturally conditioned, as the Dalai Lama and the Western teachers learned that day. We are not alone, and we didn’t do it to ourselves. We inherited it. But like all inheritances, what we do with it is up to us. It is not inevitable. Whole human cultures apparently don’t even have a word for self-hatred!
Here are some practices you could try, to work to soften this unhelpful inheritance:
Reflect on the good that you have done - the kind deeds, the acts of altruism - and reflect on how you would feel toward someone else who had done those things. Wouldn’t you feel warmly toward them, grateful that they are here, alive on this planet? And if you find yourself saying that you have never done any good, look more closely. Have you taken care of an animal or a child or an elder? Have you watered a garden? Have you smiled at a stranger?
If you do loving-kindness meditation (and if you are curious, here is more about it, and some ways to practice it), make sure to always, always include yourself in your meditation, and really see if you can feel kindness toward yourself, even a little bit. You could try imagining that someone who really loves you offers you loving-kindness. Sometimes, when I am leading a loving-kindness meditation, I will ask people to offer loving-kindness to themselves as the last part of the practice, after they are feeling all squishy and warm thinking of others. Try it.
Sometimes, when I am having a hard day, just putting my hand on my heart soothes me and reminds me that I am worthy too.
And most importantly, if you find any or all of these practices difficult, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to offer yourself kindness. Like the Dalai Lama feeling sadness for us, realize that this is cultural, not individual, and it is a radical and difficult act to begin to change your conditioning.
As I end this reflection, I am wishing you well, my invisible reader. May you find the kindness in your heart for others AND for yourself.
